Television Commercials with Problems

Our lives are but irrelevant blips on the grand time line of the universe. It’s an overwhelming concept that even if we claim to understand it, we really can’t; it’s comprehending a fraction of a fraction in infinity. Our minds simply cannot conceive of such things. Luckily, most of us are able to live our lives without constantly thinking about that sort of thing. So why do commercials feel the need to remind us of it?

Examples include Visa’s commercial from awhile back with Five for Fighting’s “100 Years” playing and, more recently, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial. These commercials start off with a young guy and we follow his life throughout the years and the decades, the ups and the downs. In the Wendy’s commercial, we see our hero starting out in high school in the 80s, then college, courting his future wife, buying his first apartment, getting promoted at his miserable looking job, having kids, all the stuff we’re supposed to do and throughout he is happily eating his Wendy’s chicken sandwich. Everything in less than 30 seconds.

The sad thing about these commercials is that they truly do represent our lives. We go through our monotonous routines, follow our average guy unoriginal path, and grow complacent with same crappy foods that never change, while we slink closer and closer to death. That’s how life goes. The ad is surprisingly honest. It just stinks to be reminded of the truth of our irrelevance.

The “bromance” culture is disgusting. Not because it’s misogynist (because it isn’t) but because it’s pathetic. And while I can understand trying to hide “mancaves” (because it’s embarrassing), maybe men wouldn’t have to participate in this latently homosexual ritual if they stopped hiding what they want and who they are.

Beer commercials, oddly enough, are the number one proponent of this subculture, which furthers the emasculation of the male. The modern beer commercial has put the woman in charge. She’s stronger, smarter, sexier and superior to the male in every way- just like a terrible sitcom. The man, on the other hand, has become a weasley sad sack. Whenever he tries to establish dominance, he is immediately shut down by his wife/girlfriend, who sends him off with his tail between his legs and balls in a jar.

The male will then commiserate with his equally loser friends who are also forced to give up their passions and desires because they too cannot stand up to their castrating significant others. Instead they feign cleverness and are overcome with this undeserved sense of pride over having to hide in tiny little rooms like Anne Frank, just so they can watch football and drink beer.

These types of commercials populate the airwaves and follow the same dance every single time. Maybe at one point the role reversal was clever, but now it’s become rote. These commercials are hacky humor at its worst.

Learning to read is one of a growing child's most important moments and it's an important bonding time between parents and child as they correct the child's mistakes and encourage it. Of course computers have made parents all but irrelevant now.

In an advertisement for a learn-to-read product, a child presses a pen into a talking book, the book teaches the child what sound 'A' makes and the parents watch quietly from the child's doorway. They whisper to one another how great it is that their child is learning to read. They never go into the room; they never once show their child any love or affection. All they do is gloat over their child finding solace and the knowledge to read in his talking book.

It's great that a child can use a computer voice to learn to read. We all had that thing with the farm animals that make noises when you pull the string. But that doesn't replace actual parenting, especially during such a formative experience as learning to read. If the child wants to use it as a side project, that's one thing but to silently observe your kid when you actually have a chance to spend time with him? That's cold.

And on that token, there's a product that is a form paints for kids that only work on a special paper and not on floors or walls. Aside from literally teaching them to think inside the two-dimensional box, the chemicals that bring us this wonder of science will probably do more overall harm than a drawing on your wall. Not that I know for sure, nor am I implying anything negative about the Crayola corporation.

A couple of years ago there was a new ad campaign for IBM called “What Makes You Special” promoting personalized computer services, which ironically used The Kinks' “I'm Not Like Everybody Else” for its the background song. It came out around the same time as Microsoft started their “World Without Windows” ad campaign, with special emphasis on Microsoft Office Blackberry applications.

The hopeful looks on the eyes of the program users should not t hide that we are being kept tethered to our desk. The world is without windows because there is no escape. Not only are we far from being free, we can't even look out towards an open world. We are forever cubicalled.

A family sits in their living room getting hypnotized by the television. The TV shoots rays into the viewers’ eyes, making them float, presumably turning them into some sort of zombies; kind of like The Riddler’s stupid scheme in Batman Forever. Luckily, they are saved by the father coming in like a hero with Dunkin Donuts, coffee and other goodies. They rush to the kitchen, free from the idiot box’s malevolent grasp, leaving their poor dog to remain mesmerized.

No one denies that too much television could be bad for you. But high-fat circular breakfast cakes are not the savior of becoming a couch potato. If anything, they’re worse than merely watching TV. At least when you’re just watching television, you’re not adding needless calories. The donuts, on the other hand, do. And when you finish eating the treats, you are not going out to play- you’re headed right back.

Commercials aren’t always the clearest in what they’re meant to be about and it’ll be difficult to list all of the ads that have some confusing elements in them. Instead I’ll just focus on one that would probably be best serve with more clarity.

The plot of the commercial is as follows. Two guys open up a microbrewery and we follow their quest to sell the beer. The voice over guy talks about “bars,” the two guys talk about “bars,” the guys the guys talk to talk about “bars.” But it’s not a commercial for bars or beers or a microbrewery kit. After repeatedly hammering into our heads about how great the beer is, the product is actually for a cell phone company.

We open on a nice old man in an Italian restaurant. He slaves over his stove. He spices his sauce with care. He even makes fresh pasta. He goes out into the dining room and … nothing. Completely empty

Several companies make similar commercials but Bertolli’s seems to be the most regular. The point behind these ads is that Bertolli’s frozen Italian pasta dinners are so good that people have stopped going out to restaurants anymore. I’m going out on a limb and saying their dinners probably aren’t that good but that’s beside the point.

My focus is on the old man. This is clearly a man who loves what he’s doing. He’s not just some greedy corporate shyster or Ramsey-esque screaming chef. He has his own small restaurant that he put his heart and soul into. When he sees that the dining room is empty he is just so god damned sad. At least the Di Giorno’s anti-delivery commercials portray the delivery guy as an asshole. But this commercials goes out of their way to show a man who has worked all his life for this restaurant and now he’s not just losing business, he’s losing all his business to frozen foods.

I don’t leave that commercial wanting Bertolli’s. I leave wanting that old man to become a success, seeing his passion finally pays off and not being a disgrace to his family.